"And it all gets better when life is straight"

Holy fuck! I'm in a weird mood. I'm uncomfortable, jittery, wired. My mind is going 200 mph. Overdrive. "Herculean", The Good, the Bad, and the Queen.On the bus ride back to Glasgow, I listened to the soundtrack from Star Wars Episode III. It put me in a nice Star Wars mood, but the sky didn't cooperate. It's too pale and bright and grey. It can't make up its damn mind. And my memory didn't match. What the fuck am I doing in Walden Galleria? That's not what I was looking for!There's too much. Everything is too much, too big. I'm too big. Too many memories, too many people, too many skies, songs, cartoons. Places, books, video games, movies. Too many thoughts. It's too disorganized. There's no order to it. Looney Tunes is Pepe le Pew in a park and Bugs in a desert after school in 2nd grade and "Whoa Be Gone" in my house and everything else at Grandma's house which turns into Buffalo as I go to a doctor's appointment listening to Coldplay, which I always listen to in Penfield where Emily lives and Jordan lived, and we went to Findley together with Ashley Bens who I'd talk to on AIM until really early in the morning then I'd skip going to bed and listen to Audio Adrenaline while I do my paper route that used to be Joe Paul's and we were in the same first grade class. Gah! It's all too much. My mind is too full.I need to empty myself. I need to vomit up Emily, Christina, Jordan, and my family. I need to cry out movies and songs in my tears. I need to piss away Looney Tunes and shit out Forest, Mill, and South. I need to cut myself and bleed church, Findley, Star Wars, and the sky.Don't you see I can't handle all this? I don't know what to do. I can't hide in my childhood because it's gone, and that's good, but it's still there, clogging my mind like cholestrol. I can't move on, grow up, start over, because there's no room for a new life. My old life is hogging all the space. I can't make new memories without them colliding with the old.I'm scared to go home. Happy now? I'm so different. I won't fit in with my friends or family. My parents and the people at church will still think I'm a boy. Emily will want to do the same things we've always done, but I don't know what I'll want to do. I'll feel differently about life. Amherst and Forest won't feel the same. My bed will be different. Food will be off. And the sky will mess with my head. This is all too much. But I can't get rid of it because these are people I'm talking about! They matter to me. But they matter too much to me. I can't seperate myself from them. I don't have an identity other than them. And parts of this might sound dramatic or not like me, but that's the point! I'm writing to you guys because I don't really know how to write to myself. You guys are me, but now it'll all be different. Since I depend on you guys too much, I won't know what to do with myself when I come home and things are different. God, I'm in Scotland right now! And you didn't come with me! You didn't do London, either. So I had all this time away from you guys, and now I have to come back to you guys, and what then? What do I do? What do WE do? I changed so much since January, but you didn't change with me, so things are different between us. And since things are different between you guys and me, I won't know what that means.What the heck. I am so, so tired right now. I'm really sorry.