The truth

God isn't the center of my life and because of that, I'm screwed up. My relationships with the people I love the most are screwed up. My relationship with God is screwed up. My perception of myself is screwed up. My mom said that to be humble is to not think too highly of yourself, but to also not think too lowly of yourself. By that definition, I'm really not humble at all. Sometimes, many times, I think I'm more important than I am. I put myself and my needs and wishes above what's right. I treat my mom like crap because I sometimes consider myself above her. I take advantage of Emily and her love for me. See, God isn't the center of mine and Emily's relationship either. I'm the center of our relationship, and we're hurting because of that. So we're going to work on making God the center of our relationship too.

You may notice I broadcast my life on the internet a lot. Let me tell you about that. This past November, I had the epiphany that it was ok to grow up, and that it's actually a good thing and very necessary. I've had a hard time accepting growing up for years before November, and I was so proud of myself that I put my new feelings on Facebook. And I decided to change my entire life and become a better person. I figured London would be key in that, because it would take me from my home and family and friends and put me in a separate setting where I can focus on changing myself. Unfortunately, I continued what I started in November, and kept writing Facebook notes about what I felt about life and where I was at. And they were real and genuine, and it was all good.

Eventually, my friends and family on Facebook would comment on my notes. A lot of you were impressed. You'd tell me how I was deep and insightful and wise. You'd call me honest and sincere (and at the time, I was). You'd say I was a good writer and I wrote the way I talk. And it didn't take long for the compliments and praise to go to my head. Pretty soon I was whipping up Facebook notes for the sole purpose of getting that praise. And you guys didn't disappoint. You fed me just what I wanted. But I felt bad and fake. My notes were no longer personal and sincere. They weren't me writing down my true thoughts and feelings. They were fake and written to make me sound smart. I didn't like that, and that was a main reason for me deleting Facebook. I might delete this blog too, but for now I'm using it to put the truth out there.

See, I struggle with both parts of humility. Like I said before, the second part of being humble is not making yourself lower than you are. And I do that. I have a terrible self-esteem. At Emily's house last week, she asked me to list how I see myself. I rattled off a bunch of adjectives, and the vast majority of them were negative. I do not see myself as a good person. I have good moments. I can look good. I can sound good. But I've got a lot of self-esteem issues. I seek approval through other people. Which ties into the Facebook notes- the compliments and praise I got from the Facebook notes boosted my self-esteem, and I guess I became addicted to that.

Speaking of addictions, I want you to know something. Everyone you know has an addiction. Some people have several. As I previously mentioned, I am addicted to people and praise. I need it to feel good about myself, because I can't feel good about myself naturally. I am also addicted to lust, like pretty much every teenage guy I know. It's very embarassing and slightly ironic to say that on the Internet, where all my friends and my family and the people who go to my church can read this, but the Internet is where I run into the most problems with lust anyways, so I guess it's fitting. I've struggled with lust in this way since August 29, 2005. Whenever I've talked about my struggle, this is it. I'm also addicted to wasting my time. Screw the Bible, forget my friends. Just give me my Looney Tunes or my iPod or a video game. That can be my day. That's very dangerous. Lesser addictions include Burger King, popcorn, long showers, dirty jokes, and Cherry Coke.

By the way, the whole thing with me writing notes for myself is another reason why I'm struggling with whether or not I should go into the ministry. The main reason is that I've got a lot of issues with the church and their politics and stuff like that, but it's also like this: it's one thing for me to write self-serving Facebook notes. That's not cool, but there are worse things out there. What I REALLY don't want to do is write sermons that give glory to me instead of God, and I run the risk of doing that at this point in my life. So until I sort things out and make God bigger than me in my life, I think I'm gonna put the ministry thing on hold. Well, I can't really do that because I'm in college, so I'll keep taking theology classes and stuff like that. I just seriously need to fix myself before I try to tell others about God.

I'm broadcasting my life again, like I have in the past. But this is different. While in the past, my notes were just me spewing philosophical bullshit to get you to say how great I was, this is definitely more. I needed to tell you guys about the Facebook notes and how I used you. I need to apologize for taking advantage of your love for me. If I loved myself more, I wouldn't have to rely on you so much. I also wanted to publicly apologize to my mom for treating her like dirt only to apologize later, and treat her like dirt again even later. I also wanted to apologize to Emily for breaking her heart, putting my needs above hers, and taking advantage of her emotions. She is the most supportive girlfriend, almost to a fault. I love her ten million more times than I show it.

Finally, I want to apologize to God. He gave me everything. He gave me fingers to type. He gave me eyes to see my screen. He gave me ears to hear Jon Foreman's voice in my headphones ("I hate all your show and pretense, the hypocrisy of your praise..."). He gave me all of you guys, and I haven't been a good steward of either of my gifts. I need to depend on you guys less. You are all my Gods, and that needs to stop. If you see me worshiping you, or trying to get you to worship me, please call me on it.

I love you guys a lot. I won't be on this blog for a while. I'll probably start it up again in the fall when I go back to Houghton. If you could pray for me, that would be fantastic. Please don't leave comments saying how it's good that I'm doing this or anything like that. Just pray for me. I'm going to be trying to pour myself back into God and pour God back into me, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. I love you all. Thanks.

"Instead of a Show"
by Jon Foreman

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when you're singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
But there's blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don't fit in your plans
Quit playing religion games
There's blood on your hands

Ah, let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You'll be white as the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around

Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand up at all
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

My name is no one, your long lost son

-So far, I don't regret deleting my Facebook at all. Since the last post, I've hung out with Steve, Joe, Emily, and Maggie. I might see Christina and Hayden tonight and Mike Swipes tomorrow. I've talked to two of my Highlander friends, Sarah and Nate on AIM, have emailed a bunch of people (all late; sorry, I'm terrible at replying to emails), and have even wrote a letter to my old friend Katie (she wrote back on funky cool stationary. it was nice). It's definitely nice to actually talk to people.

-I really like Green Day's latest album, "21st Century Breakdown". Steve burned it for me, and it's pretty good. Definitely better than "Nimrod" and "Insomniac". Hovering around "American Idiot". I listened to the first few songs from Gavin DeGraw's "Free", and so far it's a step back from his last two albums. But maybe the rest of the songs will be better.

-I finished the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. I really, really liked it. I loaned it to Lianna and I'll be loaning it to more people when I get it back. If you're a Christian or if Christians annoy you or if you're not too sure about God or if you have nothing better to do, you should probably read it.

-After about a year of searching, I found the video game "Fire Emblem" for Game Boy Advance. It was my favorite GBA game as a kid. Emily loaned me her GBA and I'm already 16 chapters in. I've been playing it a lot. I'm going to start limiting myself so I don't waste all my time playing it. But it sure is fun.

-Go to Mighty Taco and try the new 3-cheese-steak burrito if you haven't already. It'll wreck your bowels, but it's yummy.

-Yesterday was Donald Duck's 75th birthday. Donald is probably my favorite Disney character (even though Looney Tunes are better!) and I think most people like him to some extent. A guy who used to go to my church, Ray Noell, can do an excellent Donald voice. He used to do it for me when I was a kid. He's really cool, and so is Donald. Happy birthday Donald.

-I have neglected God hardcore this past week. I've read the Bible less, prayed a LOT less, and gave in to temptation more. I'll be trying to get my act together. Last night Joe Paul and I got together and talked about God for a couple hours. After talking to him and some of my other friends, it seems there's a sort of spiritual flu or something going around, meaning a lot of people are struggling in their relationship with God (I don't think there's such a thing as a spiritual flu). I know I have to get better about my relationship with God, and I'll be trying to do that.

-I'm starting to like the show "Grey's Anatomy" more. It's one of Emily's favorite shows and we've recently been watching the episodes in order (she has them on DVD). We're on season 2 now. I found out that apparently, "Grey's Anatomy" is more geared toward girls, but whatever. I still think it's pretty cool. Not a fan of all the blood and guts, but it doesn't bother me too much.

-I had a great and much-needed conversation with Emily this week. You know how I've been discontent lately? And how I've been trying to change myself and be a better person? I think they're connected. Emily says I shouldn't try to fix EVERYTHING about myself, because that's not really possible and if I totally change, I won't be the same Dan that everyone knows. I'm sure me not being me holds some appeal to some of you, but I'd like to still be me for now. So now I'm going to step back and look at what I really should change (because there are some legitimate things I should improve on) and what I should be content with and embrace as a part of who I am.

-I've had a lot of ice cream this week. I went to Anderson's twice and also had ice cream from Wegmans and Friendly's. Pretty soon, I'll probably hate ice cream. But right now, it's still good. My favorite flavors are raspberry and chocolate chip cookie dough.

To See What I'm All About

Well, let's see here. I've had a good summer since London. I've seen pretty much everyone at some point or another: Emily, Jordan, Christina, Hayden, Joe, Alex, Steve, Josh, Sarah, Mitch, Lianna, Mel, Mark, Monica, Kaylee, Brian, Garrett, Zac, Seth, Carrie, Mallory, Aaron, Adam, the Taylors, Ethan, the Lorangos, the Martins, church people, South people, Houghton people, family, and pretty much everyone else that I left behind when I went to London. If I didn't name you, I still was glad to see you.

Adjusting to home hasn't been all that hard, actually. Sometimes I'd be doing something so normal that it feels like London never happened! I mean, I'd wake up in my bed in my room, have some food, watch some Looney Tunes, lounge around my house, go to work at Wegmans, hang out with Joe Paul or Bocadillo, talk to Emily, and go back to bed. I keep having to remind myself that I spent three months in freakin' London! But then I think about plenary and the British Museum and papers and Tesco and it all comes rushing back to me, usually accompanied by a slight shudder. Don't get me wrong- I loved London. But man, it is good to be home.

I won't repeat everything I've done this summer because I've been back for a whole month and that would take a long time and I didn't do anything too extraordinary anyways(except I got to go to Shawn and Andrea's wedding, which was awesome!). So I'll just sort of keep it to this week.

The highlight of this week so far has been the Coldplay concert this past Monday. Emily came into town for a couple days, and the two of us and Bocadillo drove down to Darien Lake to see Coldplay. We got great seats at the very front of the lawn and each of us saw some people we knew. The opening bands were alright, but the real highlight, of course, was Coldplay. It was a fantastic show. They played every song from their "Viva la Vida" album except "Yes", and that was a big treat. The opening song was "Life in Technicolor" which just about killed me. I am a huge fan of that song. Anyways, the band sounded great and interacted with the crowd really nicely. They had a B-stage AND a C-stage, and the C-stage was about 50 feet from us! Here are some pictures before I go on, just because I'm excited now.

They did nothing with this balloon other than light it up.

Some pretty girl I happen to know.

The man himself.

See the "Viva la Vida" cover in the background?

"Yellow" (see all the balloons?)

So yeah, the concert was great. It rained about halfway though, destroying my poster, but it was all good and I hung my poster anyways. They had awesome effects including these awesome balls with projecters in them and a backdrop that was a huge screen. It was great. And my two favorite Coldplay songs, "Lovers in Japan" and "Life in Technicolor II" were especially featured, which was great. "Lovers" was the second-last (penultimate for all you smart people) song of the set before they took their encore, and they blasted out butterfly-shaped confetti every time they played the chorus. I grabbed a bunch of confetti and four butterflies are framed along with my poster and ticket. On the screen they flashed some awesome footage of Japan and other stuff that matched the lyrics. It was really well-done. "Life in Technicolor II" was the final song they played overall, and it was the perfect way to end the concert. I honestly couldn't have picked a better song. It definitely brought the concert full-circle, starting with "Life in Technicolor" and all. As we left, they gave out free Coldplay CDs. Everyone got one. It was called "LeftRightLeftRightLeft" and had 9 songs taken from concerts on their "Viva la Vida" tour. Some of the songs were played the same way we heard them tonight, so that was cool. And the cover featured a butterfly the same shape and size as the confetti they blasted, so that was cool too.

Chris Martin, aka Bono Jr., has really grown on me these past few years. His falsetto used to bug me, but now I'm used to it. And he didn't use it as much on "Viva la Vida".

The drummer, Will, was a beast. And he sang a couple times, too!

The background at the end of "Life in Technicolor II".

Coldplay and free music is a lovely combination.

So yeah. Since the concert, I haven't done too much. Emily left on Tuesday and I went to the dentist and worked yesterday. Today I visited South. I spent 4th period with Mrs. Wzontek, 5th with Mr. Galvin, 6th with Mr. Cool and Mr. Gadd, and 7th with a trombone lesson. I also saw Mr. Sugg, Mr. Monaco, and Mrs. J. Then I ran some errands with my mom, and hung out with Lianna this evening. It was really nice to catch up with her, and in true Lianna fashion, she made me delicious cookies. I'm one of her biggest fans, and you can quote me on that. Tomorrow I work and I think I'm getting together with Steve for some Mighty Taco. Yay Mighty!

Yesterday I deleted my Facebook. I'm annoyed with a lot of aspects of my life (no big problems, just a lot of little crap that I'm sick of), and I need to focus on fixing things between me and God, me and other people, and me and myself. I felt like deleting Facebook was a step in the right direction. I hope to be on AIM and Skype more. I also hope to get better about emailing and hanging out with people. I also hope to be better about posting on this blog, and when I say that, I mean I hope to post more often, and try to keep the posts to my interests and mostly my activities. Not often, but a few times, I'd go on one of my rants on this blog, sort of like I would on Facebook (which is another reason I deleted Facebook). I'd rather rant about music and animation and what I'm currently up to. I feel as though since I'm working on getting my emotions and thoughts sorted out, I should try to keep them to myself more. So that's that.

Sorry this ended up being so long. I have a bad habit on rambling about things that are interesting to me but probably not other people, but I'm trying to work on that. I'm trying to work on pretty much everything, lol. Then again, I haven't posted in almost a month, so I guess it evens out. And yeah, if you've got any suggestions for me to make this blog better, like shorter posts, less about animation, etc, definitely leave a comment and I'll work on that. I like doing this for you guys and I want you to like it too. I'll try to make this blog better and not get too deep on it. Just a nice blog to talk about music, cartoons, God, and my activities. Please pray for me as I try to work stuff out, and look for me on AIM, Skype, and this blog as I'm trying to be better about using all of them. God bless.