Tuesday, April 28, 2009
"And it all gets better when life is straight"
"And it all gets better when life is straight"
On the bus ride back to Glasgow, I listened to the soundtrack from Star Wars Episode III. It put me in a nice Star Wars mood, but the sky didn't cooperate. It's too pale and bright and grey. It can't make up its damn mind. And my memory didn't match. What the fuck am I doing in Walden Galleria? That's not what I was looking for!
There's too much. Everything is too much, too big. I'm too big. Too many memories, too many people, too many skies, songs, cartoons. Places, books, video games, movies. Too many thoughts. It's too disorganized. There's no order to it. Looney Tunes is Pepe le Pew in a park and Bugs in a desert after school in 2nd grade and "Whoa Be Gone" in my house and everything else at Grandma's house which turns into Buffalo as I go to a doctor's appointment listening to Coldplay, which I always listen to in Penfield where Emily lives and Jordan lived, and we went to Findley together with Ashley Bens who I'd talk to on AIM until really early in the morning then I'd skip going to bed and listen to Audio Adrenaline while I do my paper route that used to be Joe Paul's and we were in the same first grade class. Gah! It's all too much. My mind is too full.
I need to empty myself. I need to vomit up Emily, Christina, Jordan, and my family. I need to cry out movies and songs in my tears. I need to piss away Looney Tunes and shit out Forest, Mill, and South. I need to cut myself and bleed church, Findley, Star Wars, and the sky.Don't you see I can't handle all this? I don't know what to do. I can't hide in my childhood because it's gone, and that's good, but it's still there, clogging my mind like cholestrol. I can't move on, grow up, start over, because there's no room for a new life. My old life is hogging all the space. I can't make new memories without them colliding with the old.
I'm scared to go home. Happy now? I'm so different. I won't fit in with my friends or family. My parents and the people at church will still think I'm a boy. Emily will want to do the same things we've always done, but I don't know what I'll want to do. I'll feel differently about life. Amherst and Forest won't feel the same. My bed will be different. Food will be off. And the sky will mess with my head. This is all too much. But I can't get rid of it because these are people I'm talking about! They matter to me. But they matter too much to me. I can't seperate myself from them. I don't have an identity other than them. And parts of this might sound dramatic or not like me, but that's the point! I'm writing to you guys because I don't really know how to write to myself. You guys are me, but now it'll all be different. Since I depend on you guys too much, I won't know what to do with myself when I come home and things are different. God, I'm in Scotland right now! And you didn't come with me! You didn't do London, either. So I had all this time away from you guys, and now I have to come back to you guys, and what then? What do I do? What do WE do? I changed so much since January, but you didn't change with me, so things are different between us. And since things are different between you guys and me, I won't know what that means.
What the heck. I am so, so tired right now. I'm really sorry.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Dirty Old Town
Right now, I'm at our hostel in Dublin. It turns out we have internet after all. It's really slow and not all the sites work, but I can email home, which is nice. And I can post! We got in yesterday afternoon (we being me, Adam, Tabitha, Mary Beth, and her cousin Jess). The flight was really nice. We flew over beautiful mountains and hills. After landing at Gatwick, we took a bus to Dublin. We wandered around looking for our hostel, and finally found it. We got our room situated and went out for a walk. All the pubs were either overpriced or stopped serving food by the time we were out, so we went to Burger King. After that, we came back to the hostel and went to bed.
Today we checked out the city. I already like it better than London. Everything is more open, giving the city a less claustrophobic feel than London. The buildings are older looking too. There are more bars than I've ever seen in my life. It's nuts! We walked past a restaurant that U2 had eaten at. That was cool. I wish we'd stopped there. Oh well. Since arriving in Ireland, all but two of the songs I've listened to have been by U2. I'm trying to cover all their albums before we to go Scotland. Not EVERY song on every album, but a few songs from each album. So far I've hit Achtung Baby, The Joshua Tree, No Line on the Horizon, October, Rattle and Hum, War, and Zooropa.
There are a lot of book stores too. I got a 1960s copy of Ian Fleming's "Thunderball" for €2. It was my first 007 book, so that's cool. I've been eyeing a bodhrán too, but I have no clue how I'd get it back to America in one piece. The only thing I could think of is if I had it with me in my backpack on the flight from London to Newark. I might risk it though. Bodhráns are awesome.
We explored the southern part of Dublin today. We went to the National Gallery of Dublin, which wasn't NEARLY as cool as the London National Gallery, but it did have a portrait of Bono, which was pretty sweet. Then we checked out Dublin Castle which reminded me a lot of Hampton Court Palace, only again - not as cool. Then we went to St. Stephen's Green, a decent-sized park. THAT was cool. Parts of it reminded me of Amherst State Park. There were some ponds and a big courtyard with flowers and fountains. We relaxed there for a while. Some of us slept, some of us read. I started "Thunderball". It's pretty good. It's weird to be reading about James Bond for a change. I'll have to rewatch the movie when I come home.
For dinner, we went to a bar called Brannigan's, or something like that. It was really cool. Tab and I split a lamb and potato stew. It was really, really good. It was fun to be sitting in an Irish bar eating Irish food. The five of us split an order of chips as well. It was really filling, but I'm getting hungry again.
After dinner, we came back to the hostel. Then I went back out for a walk with my iPod. I didn't go very far- obviously I don't know Dublin half as well as I know London. I just stuck to the street our hostel was on and went down two streets off of it. One street was called Railway Street, and I had to go down it. But I didn't see any tracks or stations. Just a group sketchy teenagers doing their thing.
Tomorrow morning, the five of us are taking a bus to Kilkenny. If you've ever watched South Park, you should be smiling right about now. We're going to see Kilkenny Castle, which was built in the 12th century, I think. Either way, it's mad old and should be cool. We're planning to spend the night there and return to Dublin the next day. We're also hoping to see the Cliffs of Moher on the 24th, so keep your fingers crossed on that one.
It's really weird to be making all these plans by ourselves. First off, it's just weird to be done with the FYHP and actually have time to kill and stuff to do that isn't assigned. But more than that, it's strange because it's very "adult", and none of us have done anything like it before. But we're getting the hang of it, I think.
That's about it for now. Overall, I'm having a really fun time in Ireland. It's sort of stressful to have to plan everything, but we're planning fun things, so it's all good. Dublin is an awesome city, and if Glasgow is half as cool, I'll be happy. And soon I'll be home with my family and friends, and I can't wait.
I'm going to go back to the room now. I love you guys!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Off to Ireland
Well, that's it. It's 3:40 AM on April 20th, so the program is officially over. I'm going to be going to Ireland and Scotland with Tabitha, Mary Beth, her cousin, and Adam until the 30th, but then I'll be home. I'm all packed for home, but I'm worried that my bags will be too heavy to be checked at the airport. I may need to get rid of some stuff before I go. We'll see.
I'm just taking a backpack to Ireland and Scotland. I'm bringing one pair of jeans, 4 shirts, 3 pairs of socks, and underwear for every other day. I'm bringing my iPod, my camera (with both memory cards), my journal, my Ireland book, and a deck of cards. That's about it. Below are my travel plans. We're going to make up Scotland as we go along. That'll be fun. So I'm gonna go to bed now, and I'll talk to you guys later!
Monday April 20th
Leaving HC at 12:00 pm
Flight: London to Dublin
departs LGW at 5:30 pm
arrives DUB at 6:45 pm
Staying at Abraham House
Tuesday April 21st
Again staying at Abraham House and seeing Dublin
Wednesday April 22nd
possibly going to Kilkenney (castle)
Hostel in Kilkenney – Macgabhainns Backpackers Hostel
Thursday April 23rd
We’ll see
Friday April 24th
Tentatively staying at Abraham house again, so back in Dublin by evening
Saturday April 25th
Flight: Dublin to Glasgow
DUB 7:50 am
arrives PIK 8:40 am
Staying at Bunkum Hostel in Glasgow – 26 Hillhead Street phone number: 0141 581 4481
Sunday April 26th
Staying at Bunkum Hostel again – day trip to the capital or the coast?
Monday April 27th
?
Tuesday April 28th
?
Wednesday April 29th
?
Flight: Glasgow to London
Departs Glasgow at 2:40 PM
Arrives London at 3:55 PM
Thursday April 30th
Flight: London to Newark
Departs London at 3:45 PM
Arrives Newark at 6:25 PM
Flight: Newark to Buffalo
Departs Newark at 9:15 PM
Arrives Buffalo at 10:53 PM
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Forward
It’s really nice outside. I’m sitting on the sidewalk outside the Islington Library, uploading a Coldplay CD that I just checked out a few minutes ago. When it’s done, I’ll do the same with the Beatles CD, put them in the drop box, and go back to the Highbury Centre.
My final paper is due tonight at midnight. As it stands, I have 2 full pages. I’m a bit behind where I’d like to be, but I’m not worried. I’ve been in worse situations before. If I stop letting myself get distracted, I’ll probably be able to finish the paper by 9:30. So I feel ok with my time. Ok enough to write a note.
The weather is beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. I like clouds, but I like blue too. And the sky is really nice and blue today. There’s a light breeze to keep the stale, nicotine-filled air moving. These Londoners sure like their cigarettes, I can tell you that much. It’s sunny out. My transition lens became full-blown sunglasses in seconds.
I had a nice walk to the library. I listened to Muse and the Decemberists. There were a lot of people in the parks. It was nice. I stopped at Tina’s ice cream truck and waited in line for a while. The little girl in line behind me was impatient. She kept kicking my heels, as if I was the reason she had to wait, and not the dozen or so people ahead of me. She was cute though. 4, maybe. I got a double vanilla cone with raspberry sauce and rainbow sprinkles. It cost £1.60. The double cones are pretty cool. It’s a cone that has two cups at the top, so you can have two different flavors of ice cream. It’s fun, but it looks like male genitalia. If you’re able to ignore it, like I do most of the time, it’s no big deal. If you have to think about it, no matter. It’s a great laugh, trust me.
Out goes “A Rush of Blood to the Head”. In goes “Please Please Me”. I’m disgusted at how long it’s taken me to get these two CDs.
I can’t believe the program is over in 2 days. I’ve been here in London since January 15. Obama wasn’t even sworn in yet. I’ve grown so much these past few months. Intellectually, academically, spiritually, socially, personally. Not physically, though. I’ve lost a lot of weight from a lot of walking and little eating. I wear my belt two holes tighter now. But other than that, I’ve grown a lot. My mind has never been so full. My friend Elisa, in the East Meets West honors program, told me she feels like a teacup with a fire hose aimed at her. God knows I can relate.
Whoa, that Beatles CD is already done. And the brick wall is making my back itchy. I’ll finish this up at the Highbury Centre. See you in about 20 minutes.
Ok, so like I was saying, I’ve grown a lot academically. I’ve probably read more for school these past three months than I have for my sophomore, junior, and senior years of high school combined (especially because I didn’t do anything senior year). I’ve read Plato, Socrates, Galileo, Freud, Darwin, Dante, Descartes, Voltaire, Aristotle, Wordsworth, Whitman, Eliot, Keats, Yeats, Aquinas, Abelard, Aristophanes, Augustine, Marlowe, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Marx, Hume, Sappho, Sophocles, Swift, Sartre, Thucydides, Goethe, Luther, Erasmus, Locke, Milton and lots of others whose names escape me. I’ve studied history, philosophy, literature, poetry, art, architecture and music. (I won’t get into all the artists and musicians). I know that I’m a 19th century Romantic through and through, and I know that postmodernism is indefinable. I know art, too. I can discern a Turner from a Canaletto and a Rubens from a Constable. I’ve had a lot crammed down my throat, and I hope I remember it. I’m keeping all the books, though. So that’ll help.
The opportunities I’ve had this semester were once-in-a-lifetime. I know what the interior of Westminster Abbey looks like. I’ve seen Van Gogh’s self-portrait. I know that English bacon and chicken is gross but their bread and cheese is great. I went to Canterbury and Cambridge. I walked through Hampton Court Palace and the ruins of Roman Baths. I was very lucky this semester. Oh, and I went on about half a dozen trains. Not counting the Underground, mind you. Trains. Choo-choos. I went to King's Cross and Talyllyn Railway, suckers.
I’ve grown a lot socially, I think. I mean I hope I did. My social circle in London was drastically different than it was in high school. At South, I was part of an eclectic group of every race, religion, sexual orientation, and drug preference you could imagine (In case you don’t know, I was white, Christian, straight, and no thanks). I stood out by not wearing black pants and eyeliner (though by the time we graduated, I think only Steve kept up the tripp pants and eyeliner. Way to go, Steve!). All of us made sketchy jokes and swore like sailors.
Here in London, my friends consisted of very white (except Eri), very conservative, very homeschooled (again, except Eri), Christians. Boy did I have to adjust. I think I did an ok job of shifting gears. I was a little raunchy at the beginning of the semester, but I think I was able to contain my sketchiness well enough for my friends to still like me. I hope I did. Every now and then, a joke would set itself up too great and I’d have to say it. But I think I ended up doing ok in that regard.
That’s not the only way in which I had to shift gears socially. I learned a lot about my shortcomings this semester. Something I realized was that I have this annoying need to be right all the time (I wrote a note about it called “Right is Wrong” back in March). But it’s true, I’ve got to be right. And I’m sure that turns off a lot of people. But since I learned that about myself, now I can try to change it. So that’s good.
I’ve grown spiritually too. I have the guys’ Bible study to thank for that: Danny Kim, Evan, Ben, Adam, Steve, Tall Dave, and Zeke. It was the first time I’ve ever had anything like that. I had youth group in middle school and the first part of high school, but it was with a bunch of girls. I had Joe Paul at South, but he’s just one guy. It was great to have a whole group of guys in a room, wolfing down digestives, learning about God, bearing their sins, offering prayer requests, making jokes. We went through James this semester. It took forever, but it was good. I hope to God we continue the group at Houghton next fall. God knows I need them.
I’ve grown a bit in my personal faith too, I think. It’s hard to measure progress sometimes. I know I’ve gotten better about reading the Word and praying. I had a lot of long prayers in the shower. That was good. But I get distracted so easily. Music, books, friends, movies, the internet, cartoons…all these things distract me from spending time with God. And I had less of these distractions this semester since most of my friends and DVDs were back home, which is probably partially why I grew closer to God. But I need to drop a lot of that stuff, and hopefully I’ll be able to focus more on God and less on them this summer. It’ll be hard because I’m getting alllll my stuff back when I come home, but I’ll try.
London has taught me a lot about church. I took the opportunity to go to all sorts of services. I went to Catholic services in gigantic cathedrals and revivalist, non-denominational services in gymnasiums and auditoriums converted into sanctuaries. I’ve gone to churches where the service was televised and I’ve gone to churches where there were more kids than adults. I went to Baptist, Anglican, Catholic, Church of Christ, New Frontier, non-denominational, and one other that I’m not even sure what it is. I still don’t know what my beef with the church is, but it’s there. And God will reveal it to me eventually. It’s either a good thing that the church makes me uncomfortable, and God will use that to help me change the church, or there’s nothing wrong with the church and I need to get over my issues with it, and God will help me do that. Either way, when I get home, I’m going to change how I do things with church. I’m only going to go to Harris Hill every other week, and on the other weeks, I’ll go to Nativity or the other one nearby (Presbyterian?). The reason for that is because I get too distracted by all my memories at church. Instead of listening to the sermon, I just sit there thinking about Jordan, or Sunday School, or the Schuhs. It’s not healthy faith-wise. Also, I get too involved with the people at Harris Hill. Most of them, I’m too attached too, and I focus on them more than the sermon. A few of them are fake and false and "churchy" and I know it and it upsets me, and then I get mad at me getting upset because I don’t want to be judgmental. It was different going to church in London because I could focus on the sermon more, and not get distracted by memories or people I know. So yeah. I’m scaling back attendance at Harris Hill. I’ll go a couple weeks in a row when I first get home, because I miss people like mad. And then I’ll alternate between them and another church. And when I do go to Harris Hill, I’ll still sit in the narthex most of the time. I just need to figure some things out, especially since I might be a pastor myself someday. That’s ironic, huh?
Well, here’s the deal. It’s 7:03 and I have 2 pages on my paper. I’m not worried, like I said before. But I just want to get it over with. I need to do laundry and pack and a lot of other crap. I think it’s amazing how I can struggle for 3 days with a 5 page paper, and hammer out a 3 page post in less than an hour and a half. Fan-freaking-tastic. Well, I’m off for now. I might have time to pop off another note before I leave for Dublin on Monday. If I do, great. If I don’t, I’ll see you when I get home on the 30th. I can’t wait.
Oh crap, I forgot! On my way back from the library, I was in the mood for some ska, so I put on the O.C. Supertones. This song came on called “Forward to the Future”, and it pretty much perfectly captured where I’m at in life right now. The refrain is a bit corny, but come on. It’s Christian ska from 2000. It should be expected.
It all went by so fast/I’m always looking back/On some golden day/But nothing gold can stay/Older yes and wiser some/I am what I have become/But am I becoming what I want to be/And as we go on with the rest of our lives/Don’t forget from where you came/
Look forward to the future/What you wanna be/Look forward to the future/Grace, integrity/Look forward to the future/The things you want to do/Look forward to the future/Faith and honesty/
Wistful as a wishI sit and reminisce/Off people that I knew/And old friends that I miss/Older, yes and wiser some/Looking at how far I’ve come/But is where I’m going where I want to be/And as we go on with the rest of our lives/Don’t forget from where you came/
Look forward to the future/What you wanna be/Look forward to the future/Grace, integrity/Look forward to the future/The things you want to do/Look forward to the future/Faith and honesty/
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Postmodern Architecture
No. 1 Poultry
Lloyd's Building
Willis Building
Swiss Re Building ("The Gherkin")
Minister Court
Lloyd's, Gherkin, Willis
It's all fun and games until you have to write a 5 page paper about it. Then someone gets hurt. But hey, it's still really cool to look at. You should've seen it in person. My favorite is the Willis Building. Today was significant because it marked my last MAG (this whole post) as well as our last reading ("Truth is Stranger Than it Used to Be: Biblical Faith in a Postmodern Age"). So that's very exciting. All I have left is one more colloquy, one more plenary, and one more paper. Then the program's immense workload is finally over. Speaking of immensity, I'm immensely tired, so I'm gonna call it a day. Good night.
By the way, I know I'm 8 months late, but I really like The Verve's new album "Forth". You should probably listen to it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
"Buon giorno, Principessa!"
Today was a very full day. I got up, had breakfast, and went to colloquy. At 10:15ish, Steve, Adam, Tabitha, Eri, and I went to the National Portrait Gallery for MAG. When we left the tube stop at Charing Cross, Adam noticed a store that was having a massive store, so we checked it out. Steve got this cool fedora and souvenirs for his family, Adam and Eri got stuff, and I got a gigantic flag for £2. It’s red and white and says “England” on it. It’s mammoth: 6 feet by 10 feet! I have no clue where I’m gonna put it, but it was really cheap, so it was worth it. It’s gonna be fun.
The National Portrait Gallery was alright. It’s not as cool as the National Gallery or Tate Britain because it’s all, well, portraits. And that gets old after a while. But we saw cool paintings/photographs of Nelson Mandela, Salmon Rushdie, Harold Pinter, Patrick Stewart, Judi Dench, Paul McCartney, Princess Diana, Albert Einstein, James Joyce, and people like that. So it was pretty cool. After that, we had lunch outside the National Gallery. Then we went in and checked out the gift shop. We all loved the National Gallery (I did, at least), and none of us seemed to have any qualms about spending some money there. I got two prints of paintings in the Gallery that I really liked: Lake Keitele by Akseli Gallen-Kallela and Rain, Steam, and Speed – The Great Western Railway by JMW Turner.
The first one kind of reminds me of Findley Lake, but mostly makes me think of the lakes in the Adirondacks on the Highlander program last August (Jeez, that was less than a year ago!).
This isn't even my favorite Turner painting. I don't think it is, at least. It could be. But I've seen the original in the National Gallery and I do love it a lot. Besides, the gift shop only had two different Turner prints- this and one of a ship, so of course I went with train. Though the ship one had a better sky...anyways JMW Turner, I’ve decided, is my favorite painter. And I think it’s cool that I can say that. See, before this program, I didn’t know enough about art to say what my favorite style or artist is. But now that I’ve seen and studied the art that I have, I can make those calls. I’m not an expert on art, or even half of one. But I know a lot more about it now. I can identify some painters by their style. It’s pretty cool. But yeah, I like Turner. Yesterday we went to the Tate Britain and saw an exhibit of about a hundred paintings done by him throughout his life. I stayed longer than everyone else and wrote down the names of the paintings I liked a lot, filling a page in my notebook. Before leaving the Tate, I bought a 5-pound book that talks about and shows about 50 of his paintings.Anyways, back to today. After the National Gallery, Tab went to a concert and Steve, Adam, Eri, and I went to the Tate Modern to finish our MAG. On the way, we walked along the Thames and took pictures of St. Paul’s, the Millennium Bridge, and the Globe Theatre.
I’ve got mixed feelings about the Tate Modern, and especially the modern art inside. A lot of it, I just don’t understand. Some of it is cool, most of it is confusing, and some of it is just downright disturbing or scary. I don’t want to say it’s “bad”, because someone might not think it is. But it’s definitely not for me. But parts of it were cool. I’m not a big Picasso fan, but the Andy Warhol stuff wasn’t bad. And I got to see my first Pollack, and it was pretty cool. So it’s not all “bad”, I suppose.
After the Tate Modern, I went by myself to this church that Pastor Keith had wanted me to visit. It was where John Wesley was converted. The name of the church was St. Botolph-without-Aldersgate. I went to the wrong one, called S. Botolph-without-Aldgate. So that sucked. They pointed me in the right direction and I took the tube there. It was cool. I took a picture of a plaque on the fence that talked about it and went in the church and everything. The people there were really nice. They said he wasn’t converted at the church itself, but it happened on that street that the church was on (the original location was no longer standing). So I took a picture of the street.
I got back to the Highbury Centre and had some food. Then I went out to the library to return the music I had checked out (Johnny Cash, the Beatles, Iron & Wine, Flaming Lips, Regina Spektor, and the Decemberists) and get new music. It’s a good deal- you can check out up to 10 CDs at a time for 30 pence each. And they give you a punch card and every 10th CD is free. I’ve checked out over 30 CDs so far, including every Johnny Cash and Beatles CD they have. Today I got Bob Dylan, Muse, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Moby, and soundtracks to 2 Disney movies and a James Bond movie. I was happy.
Now I was at the Highbury Centre to stay. My trip out was long and tiring (my knees still hurt) but productive. I got 2 prints, 10 CDs, saw the church for Pastor Keith, finished my reading, and listened to a lot of music. Here’s how the progression worked from morning to evening: West Side Story, the Killers, U2, Beatles, Iron & Wine, Decemberists, and Green Day.
After dinner we watched “Life is Beautiful”. It’s an Italian film about how a father helped his young son survive in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. I won’t say too much about it because I’m planning on watching it with some of you this summer. But it’s easily one of my new favorite movies. I gave it a 9 out of 10. It’s the official model for what kind of husband and father I want to be.
Ok, after the movie wasn’t nearly as cool. To make a long story short, tensions have been running high with everyone the past few days. We’re all tired of the program: the readings, the MAG, the plenaries, the colloquies, the papers, the Highbury Centre. We’ve been doing this for 3 whole months. We all live together, all 30 of us, and it’s exhausting. So basically, a couple of my friends and I got in an argument. But some of us went for a walk and talked about it, and then all 5 of us got back together and talked, and it went great. We’re all fine now. We just gotta make it to the end.
After patching things up with my friends, I skyped Emily for a little bit. I feel bad because I was going to skype her earlier, but I had to reconcile with my friends first. So she sort of got put on the backburner tonight. Sorry honey! Luckily, everything worked out, and the good news is that Emily and I are able to skype again on Thursday. I’m excited for that. I miss her a lot. But I see her soon…
Alright, here’s the deal. I’m exhausted, hungry, and my knees hurt like hell. I’m gonna post this, get ready for bed, watch a cartoon or three, and pass out. Goodnight Irene.
