The truth

God isn't the center of my life and because of that, I'm screwed up. My relationships with the people I love the most are screwed up. My relationship with God is screwed up. My perception of myself is screwed up. My mom said that to be humble is to not think too highly of yourself, but to also not think too lowly of yourself. By that definition, I'm really not humble at all. Sometimes, many times, I think I'm more important than I am. I put myself and my needs and wishes above what's right. I treat my mom like crap because I sometimes consider myself above her. I take advantage of Emily and her love for me. See, God isn't the center of mine and Emily's relationship either. I'm the center of our relationship, and we're hurting because of that. So we're going to work on making God the center of our relationship too.

You may notice I broadcast my life on the internet a lot. Let me tell you about that. This past November, I had the epiphany that it was ok to grow up, and that it's actually a good thing and very necessary. I've had a hard time accepting growing up for years before November, and I was so proud of myself that I put my new feelings on Facebook. And I decided to change my entire life and become a better person. I figured London would be key in that, because it would take me from my home and family and friends and put me in a separate setting where I can focus on changing myself. Unfortunately, I continued what I started in November, and kept writing Facebook notes about what I felt about life and where I was at. And they were real and genuine, and it was all good.

Eventually, my friends and family on Facebook would comment on my notes. A lot of you were impressed. You'd tell me how I was deep and insightful and wise. You'd call me honest and sincere (and at the time, I was). You'd say I was a good writer and I wrote the way I talk. And it didn't take long for the compliments and praise to go to my head. Pretty soon I was whipping up Facebook notes for the sole purpose of getting that praise. And you guys didn't disappoint. You fed me just what I wanted. But I felt bad and fake. My notes were no longer personal and sincere. They weren't me writing down my true thoughts and feelings. They were fake and written to make me sound smart. I didn't like that, and that was a main reason for me deleting Facebook. I might delete this blog too, but for now I'm using it to put the truth out there.

See, I struggle with both parts of humility. Like I said before, the second part of being humble is not making yourself lower than you are. And I do that. I have a terrible self-esteem. At Emily's house last week, she asked me to list how I see myself. I rattled off a bunch of adjectives, and the vast majority of them were negative. I do not see myself as a good person. I have good moments. I can look good. I can sound good. But I've got a lot of self-esteem issues. I seek approval through other people. Which ties into the Facebook notes- the compliments and praise I got from the Facebook notes boosted my self-esteem, and I guess I became addicted to that.

Speaking of addictions, I want you to know something. Everyone you know has an addiction. Some people have several. As I previously mentioned, I am addicted to people and praise. I need it to feel good about myself, because I can't feel good about myself naturally. I am also addicted to lust, like pretty much every teenage guy I know. It's very embarassing and slightly ironic to say that on the Internet, where all my friends and my family and the people who go to my church can read this, but the Internet is where I run into the most problems with lust anyways, so I guess it's fitting. I've struggled with lust in this way since August 29, 2005. Whenever I've talked about my struggle, this is it. I'm also addicted to wasting my time. Screw the Bible, forget my friends. Just give me my Looney Tunes or my iPod or a video game. That can be my day. That's very dangerous. Lesser addictions include Burger King, popcorn, long showers, dirty jokes, and Cherry Coke.

By the way, the whole thing with me writing notes for myself is another reason why I'm struggling with whether or not I should go into the ministry. The main reason is that I've got a lot of issues with the church and their politics and stuff like that, but it's also like this: it's one thing for me to write self-serving Facebook notes. That's not cool, but there are worse things out there. What I REALLY don't want to do is write sermons that give glory to me instead of God, and I run the risk of doing that at this point in my life. So until I sort things out and make God bigger than me in my life, I think I'm gonna put the ministry thing on hold. Well, I can't really do that because I'm in college, so I'll keep taking theology classes and stuff like that. I just seriously need to fix myself before I try to tell others about God.

I'm broadcasting my life again, like I have in the past. But this is different. While in the past, my notes were just me spewing philosophical bullshit to get you to say how great I was, this is definitely more. I needed to tell you guys about the Facebook notes and how I used you. I need to apologize for taking advantage of your love for me. If I loved myself more, I wouldn't have to rely on you so much. I also wanted to publicly apologize to my mom for treating her like dirt only to apologize later, and treat her like dirt again even later. I also wanted to apologize to Emily for breaking her heart, putting my needs above hers, and taking advantage of her emotions. She is the most supportive girlfriend, almost to a fault. I love her ten million more times than I show it.

Finally, I want to apologize to God. He gave me everything. He gave me fingers to type. He gave me eyes to see my screen. He gave me ears to hear Jon Foreman's voice in my headphones ("I hate all your show and pretense, the hypocrisy of your praise..."). He gave me all of you guys, and I haven't been a good steward of either of my gifts. I need to depend on you guys less. You are all my Gods, and that needs to stop. If you see me worshiping you, or trying to get you to worship me, please call me on it.

I love you guys a lot. I won't be on this blog for a while. I'll probably start it up again in the fall when I go back to Houghton. If you could pray for me, that would be fantastic. Please don't leave comments saying how it's good that I'm doing this or anything like that. Just pray for me. I'm going to be trying to pour myself back into God and pour God back into me, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. I love you all. Thanks.

"Instead of a Show"
by Jon Foreman

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when you're singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
But there's blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don't fit in your plans
Quit playing religion games
There's blood on your hands

Ah, let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You'll be white as the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around

Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand up at all
Instead of a show
I hate all your show