If you've got a Facebook, you're probably used to this kind of crap from me by now.

Ok, I’m starting this one out with no idea where it’s going to go. But it’s going to go there, I promise. I also don’t know if I’m going to make this a Facebook note or a blog post. I’ll probably end up putting it both places. Some people my age are getting weirded out by all the adults that are getting Facebooks nowadays, but I don’t mind it all too much. It’s fun for me to find people in my life that I care about on Facebook, if not a little awkward at times because three of them are pastors and two of them are my parents. Yeah. But to any adults reading my blog right now, if you get a Facebook and I know you, I promise I’ll add you because I love you guys. Now that I’ve efficiently talked about absolutely nothing, I’m going to start talking about something.

I don’t know who I am. I know that that is possibly the most clichéd/angsty/teenage thing that I could ever say, but I swear to God I mean it. If you want some proof, ask Emily. She’s the one who told me I don’t know who I am, and when it comes to knowing me, that girl is wrong about 2% of the time. It’s true though, I really don’t know who I am. I know who I am to different people. I’m Emily’s boyfriend. I’m Matt and Roberta’s son. I’m Dan Nalgene. I’m Uncle Dan. I’m rrfan3267. Some people still view me as Danny, and I totally love that. So I know that much. I also know who I am to different groups. I’m a Tent Camper. I’m a Koinonian. I’m a Highlander. I’m an ex-member of Sugar and Jazz. I’m a Williamsville South graduate and a Houghton College student. I’m a Christian (not a United Methodist, thank you very much). I’m an American (not a Democrat or Republican, thank you very much).

So some guy could read that last paragraph and be all, “Well Dan, it looks like you DO know who you are. You just rattled off two lists of who you are. Problem solved.” No, Mr. Hypothetical Guy, problem NOT solved. Take another look at the lists. I said who I am TO OTHER PEOPLE. I did NOT say who I am TO MYSELF. Want some proof? Take a look at the last two sentences. Those two groups are very different from all the other groups I mentioned in that they involve me making a stance and a choice based on who I think I am. And what do you know, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know who I am, so I don’t know what my religious beliefs are, other than I’m pretty sure that God is real and Jesus is his son. I don’t know who I am, so I don’t know if I’m conservative or liberal or pro-life or pro-choice or anti-this or anti-that. I just know that I live in America, thus, I’m an American.

If you’re my friend, then one thing you know about me is that I’m way too dependent on the people I love. Here’s what I said about that in one of the best Facebook notes I ever wrote:

“I feed off of their smiles and thrive off of their laughs. I expect a lot from them, because I know they are good people that are capable of anything. I guess I am judgmental in a backwards sort of way. I want them to do the right thing, because I know that they are good people. So, I consider things like smoking and drinking to be below them, and I feel that they are lowering their standards and cheating themselves when they get involved with stuff like that. I get very sad when my friends lower themselves to the level of everyone else when it comes to things like drugs. I admit that I let it impact me more than I should, but I love my friends, and when they hurt themselves, they kill me […]But if I tell my friends that, then I’m judgmental and unwilling to change. I don’t understand it. I know what my friends are, and I know what my friends aren’t.”

The truth is, I AM too dependent on people. And not just in the ways listed in the previous paragraph. I literately base my entire personality on the person I’m currently hanging out with. When I’m around Adam Kneeland, I act smart. When I’m around Steve Corell, I act spiritual. When I’m around Steve Dulanski, I act emo (or Goth or whatever Shteev happens to be). When I’m around Bocadillo, I act crazy. When I’m around Mark Lauer, I act cool. When I’m around Joyce Taylor, I act silly. When I’m around Elisa Shearer, I act expressively. I reflect the personality of the person I’m around. It’s interesting to note that the people I have a hard time doing that with are the people who know me really well, such as Emily, Joe Paul, and Mel and/or the people who have known me forever, such as Jordan and Christina.

In the same rockin’ note I quoted earlier, I also said the following:

“I don’t have a true, established worldview. I basically make it up as I go along. I am easily influenced by the people around me, and I often contradict myself. I also often backpedal and change my worldview when it benefits me, and as such I have very shaky opinions on a lot of issues.”

Further proof that I don’t know who I am. On a side note: when the hell did I start saying “rockin’”? Hmm. Well, I said it, so it stays. I could delete it and this paragraph and probably make myself sound a lot less retarded, but I must’ve said “rockin’” for a reason, so it stays, by golly, by gum! (Further proof that I am losing my mind and/or powers of words and/or I really should delete this utterly useless and embarrassing paragraph but it made me laugh and maybe it’ll make some other foolish person laugh so I’m keeping it and ending this ridiculous run-on sentence.)

But seriously, do you know where I’m coming from? I hope so, because I sure don’t. I sat down to write this with nothing but some half-formed thoughts in my head and an intense craving for cheese. The latter was fulfilled about an hour ago, but I still want to finish these thoughts. Unfortunately, I’m too tired and confused to do so right now. So I’m going to stop writing because I don’t even know what I’m writing about anymore, and the authorial voice doesn’t really sound like me anymore. But hey, I got the initial problem out there. This is the part where you geniuses get to mull it over and give me the answer I’m looking for, because I am damned incapable of doing so myself. Know that I’m definitely going to be pondering this one for a while, and I’ll keep you guys updated on what I come up with when I come up with it, because I would sure love to figure out who I am. Thanks for your patience. I love you guys. And I miss you more than you know.