Thursday, August 20, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The truth

God isn't the center of my life and because of that, I'm screwed up. My relationships with the people I love the most are screwed up. My relationship with God is screwed up. My perception of myself is screwed up. My mom said that to be humble is to not think too highly of yourself, but to also not think too lowly of yourself. By that definition, I'm really not humble at all. Sometimes, many times, I think I'm more important than I am. I put myself and my needs and wishes above what's right. I treat my mom like crap because I sometimes consider myself above her. I take advantage of Emily and her love for me. See, God isn't the center of mine and Emily's relationship either. I'm the center of our relationship, and we're hurting because of that. So we're going to work on making God the center of our relationship too.

You may notice I broadcast my life on the internet a lot. Let me tell you about that. This past November, I had the epiphany that it was ok to grow up, and that it's actually a good thing and very necessary. I've had a hard time accepting growing up for years before November, and I was so proud of myself that I put my new feelings on Facebook. And I decided to change my entire life and become a better person. I figured London would be key in that, because it would take me from my home and family and friends and put me in a separate setting where I can focus on changing myself. Unfortunately, I continued what I started in November, and kept writing Facebook notes about what I felt about life and where I was at. And they were real and genuine, and it was all good.

Eventually, my friends and family on Facebook would comment on my notes. A lot of you were impressed. You'd tell me how I was deep and insightful and wise. You'd call me honest and sincere (and at the time, I was). You'd say I was a good writer and I wrote the way I talk. And it didn't take long for the compliments and praise to go to my head. Pretty soon I was whipping up Facebook notes for the sole purpose of getting that praise. And you guys didn't disappoint. You fed me just what I wanted. But I felt bad and fake. My notes were no longer personal and sincere. They weren't me writing down my true thoughts and feelings. They were fake and written to make me sound smart. I didn't like that, and that was a main reason for me deleting Facebook. I might delete this blog too, but for now I'm using it to put the truth out there.

See, I struggle with both parts of humility. Like I said before, the second part of being humble is not making yourself lower than you are. And I do that. I have a terrible self-esteem. At Emily's house last week, she asked me to list how I see myself. I rattled off a bunch of adjectives, and the vast majority of them were negative. I do not see myself as a good person. I have good moments. I can look good. I can sound good. But I've got a lot of self-esteem issues. I seek approval through other people. Which ties into the Facebook notes- the compliments and praise I got from the Facebook notes boosted my self-esteem, and I guess I became addicted to that.

Speaking of addictions, I want you to know something. Everyone you know has an addiction. Some people have several. As I previously mentioned, I am addicted to people and praise. I need it to feel good about myself, because I can't feel good about myself naturally. I am also addicted to lust, like pretty much every teenage guy I know. It's very embarassing and slightly ironic to say that on the Internet, where all my friends and my family and the people who go to my church can read this, but the Internet is where I run into the most problems with lust anyways, so I guess it's fitting. I've struggled with lust in this way since August 29, 2005. Whenever I've talked about my struggle, this is it. I'm also addicted to wasting my time. Screw the Bible, forget my friends. Just give me my Looney Tunes or my iPod or a video game. That can be my day. That's very dangerous. Lesser addictions include Burger King, popcorn, long showers, dirty jokes, and Cherry Coke.

By the way, the whole thing with me writing notes for myself is another reason why I'm struggling with whether or not I should go into the ministry. The main reason is that I've got a lot of issues with the church and their politics and stuff like that, but it's also like this: it's one thing for me to write self-serving Facebook notes. That's not cool, but there are worse things out there. What I REALLY don't want to do is write sermons that give glory to me instead of God, and I run the risk of doing that at this point in my life. So until I sort things out and make God bigger than me in my life, I think I'm gonna put the ministry thing on hold. Well, I can't really do that because I'm in college, so I'll keep taking theology classes and stuff like that. I just seriously need to fix myself before I try to tell others about God.

I'm broadcasting my life again, like I have in the past. But this is different. While in the past, my notes were just me spewing philosophical bullshit to get you to say how great I was, this is definitely more. I needed to tell you guys about the Facebook notes and how I used you. I need to apologize for taking advantage of your love for me. If I loved myself more, I wouldn't have to rely on you so much. I also wanted to publicly apologize to my mom for treating her like dirt only to apologize later, and treat her like dirt again even later. I also wanted to apologize to Emily for breaking her heart, putting my needs above hers, and taking advantage of her emotions. She is the most supportive girlfriend, almost to a fault. I love her ten million more times than I show it.

Finally, I want to apologize to God. He gave me everything. He gave me fingers to type. He gave me eyes to see my screen. He gave me ears to hear Jon Foreman's voice in my headphones ("I hate all your show and pretense, the hypocrisy of your praise..."). He gave me all of you guys, and I haven't been a good steward of either of my gifts. I need to depend on you guys less. You are all my Gods, and that needs to stop. If you see me worshiping you, or trying to get you to worship me, please call me on it.

I love you guys a lot. I won't be on this blog for a while. I'll probably start it up again in the fall when I go back to Houghton. If you could pray for me, that would be fantastic. Please don't leave comments saying how it's good that I'm doing this or anything like that. Just pray for me. I'm going to be trying to pour myself back into God and pour God back into me, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. I love you all. Thanks.

"Instead of a Show"
by Jon Foreman

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when you're singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
But there's blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don't fit in your plans
Quit playing religion games
There's blood on your hands

Ah, let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You'll be white as the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around

Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand up at all
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My name is no one, your long lost son

-So far, I don't regret deleting my Facebook at all. Since the last post, I've hung out with Steve, Joe, Emily, and Maggie. I might see Christina and Hayden tonight and Mike Swipes tomorrow. I've talked to two of my Highlander friends, Sarah and Nate on AIM, have emailed a bunch of people (all late; sorry, I'm terrible at replying to emails), and have even wrote a letter to my old friend Katie (she wrote back on funky cool stationary. it was nice). It's definitely nice to actually talk to people.

-I really like Green Day's latest album, "21st Century Breakdown". Steve burned it for me, and it's pretty good. Definitely better than "Nimrod" and "Insomniac". Hovering around "American Idiot". I listened to the first few songs from Gavin DeGraw's "Free", and so far it's a step back from his last two albums. But maybe the rest of the songs will be better.

-I finished the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. I really, really liked it. I loaned it to Lianna and I'll be loaning it to more people when I get it back. If you're a Christian or if Christians annoy you or if you're not too sure about God or if you have nothing better to do, you should probably read it.

-After about a year of searching, I found the video game "Fire Emblem" for Game Boy Advance. It was my favorite GBA game as a kid. Emily loaned me her GBA and I'm already 16 chapters in. I've been playing it a lot. I'm going to start limiting myself so I don't waste all my time playing it. But it sure is fun.

-Go to Mighty Taco and try the new 3-cheese-steak burrito if you haven't already. It'll wreck your bowels, but it's yummy.

-Yesterday was Donald Duck's 75th birthday. Donald is probably my favorite Disney character (even though Looney Tunes are better!) and I think most people like him to some extent. A guy who used to go to my church, Ray Noell, can do an excellent Donald voice. He used to do it for me when I was a kid. He's really cool, and so is Donald. Happy birthday Donald.

-I have neglected God hardcore this past week. I've read the Bible less, prayed a LOT less, and gave in to temptation more. I'll be trying to get my act together. Last night Joe Paul and I got together and talked about God for a couple hours. After talking to him and some of my other friends, it seems there's a sort of spiritual flu or something going around, meaning a lot of people are struggling in their relationship with God (I don't think there's such a thing as a spiritual flu). I know I have to get better about my relationship with God, and I'll be trying to do that.

-I'm starting to like the show "Grey's Anatomy" more. It's one of Emily's favorite shows and we've recently been watching the episodes in order (she has them on DVD). We're on season 2 now. I found out that apparently, "Grey's Anatomy" is more geared toward girls, but whatever. I still think it's pretty cool. Not a fan of all the blood and guts, but it doesn't bother me too much.

-I had a great and much-needed conversation with Emily this week. You know how I've been discontent lately? And how I've been trying to change myself and be a better person? I think they're connected. Emily says I shouldn't try to fix EVERYTHING about myself, because that's not really possible and if I totally change, I won't be the same Dan that everyone knows. I'm sure me not being me holds some appeal to some of you, but I'd like to still be me for now. So now I'm going to step back and look at what I really should change (because there are some legitimate things I should improve on) and what I should be content with and embrace as a part of who I am.

-I've had a lot of ice cream this week. I went to Anderson's twice and also had ice cream from Wegmans and Friendly's. Pretty soon, I'll probably hate ice cream. But right now, it's still good. My favorite flavors are raspberry and chocolate chip cookie dough.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

To See What I'm All About

Well, let's see here. I've had a good summer since London. I've seen pretty much everyone at some point or another: Emily, Jordan, Christina, Hayden, Joe, Alex, Steve, Josh, Sarah, Mitch, Lianna, Mel, Mark, Monica, Kaylee, Brian, Garrett, Zac, Seth, Carrie, Mallory, Aaron, Adam, the Taylors, Ethan, the Lorangos, the Martins, church people, South people, Houghton people, family, and pretty much everyone else that I left behind when I went to London. If I didn't name you, I still was glad to see you.

Adjusting to home hasn't been all that hard, actually. Sometimes I'd be doing something so normal that it feels like London never happened! I mean, I'd wake up in my bed in my room, have some food, watch some Looney Tunes, lounge around my house, go to work at Wegmans, hang out with Joe Paul or Bocadillo, talk to Emily, and go back to bed. I keep having to remind myself that I spent three months in freakin' London! But then I think about plenary and the British Museum and papers and Tesco and it all comes rushing back to me, usually accompanied by a slight shudder. Don't get me wrong- I loved London. But man, it is good to be home.

I won't repeat everything I've done this summer because I've been back for a whole month and that would take a long time and I didn't do anything too extraordinary anyways(except I got to go to Shawn and Andrea's wedding, which was awesome!). So I'll just sort of keep it to this week.

The highlight of this week so far has been the Coldplay concert this past Monday. Emily came into town for a couple days, and the two of us and Bocadillo drove down to Darien Lake to see Coldplay. We got great seats at the very front of the lawn and each of us saw some people we knew. The opening bands were alright, but the real highlight, of course, was Coldplay. It was a fantastic show. They played every song from their "Viva la Vida" album except "Yes", and that was a big treat. The opening song was "Life in Technicolor" which just about killed me. I am a huge fan of that song. Anyways, the band sounded great and interacted with the crowd really nicely. They had a B-stage AND a C-stage, and the C-stage was about 50 feet from us! Here are some pictures before I go on, just because I'm excited now.



They did nothing with this balloon other than light it up.

Some pretty girl I happen to know.
The man himself.
See the "Viva la Vida" cover in the background?
"Yellow" (see all the balloons?)
So yeah, the concert was great. It rained about halfway though, destroying my poster, but it was all good and I hung my poster anyways. They had awesome effects including these awesome balls with projecters in them and a backdrop that was a huge screen. It was great. And my two favorite Coldplay songs, "Lovers in Japan" and "Life in Technicolor II" were especially featured, which was great. "Lovers" was the second-last (penultimate for all you smart people) song of the set before they took their encore, and they blasted out butterfly-shaped confetti every time they played the chorus. I grabbed a bunch of confetti and four butterflies are framed along with my poster and ticket. On the screen they flashed some awesome footage of Japan and other stuff that matched the lyrics. It was really well-done. "Life in Technicolor II" was the final song they played overall, and it was the perfect way to end the concert. I honestly couldn't have picked a better song. It definitely brought the concert full-circle, starting with "Life in Technicolor" and all. As we left, they gave out free Coldplay CDs. Everyone got one. It was called "LeftRightLeftRightLeft" and had 9 songs taken from concerts on their "Viva la Vida" tour. Some of the songs were played the same way we heard them tonight, so that was cool. And the cover featured a butterfly the same shape and size as the confetti they blasted, so that was cool too.


Chris Martin, aka Bono Jr., has really grown on me these past few years. His falsetto used to bug me, but now I'm used to it. And he didn't use it as much on "Viva la Vida".
The drummer, Will, was a beast. And he sang a couple times, too!

The background at the end of "Life in Technicolor II".


Coldplay and free music is a lovely combination.

So yeah. Since the concert, I haven't done too much. Emily left on Tuesday and I went to the dentist and worked yesterday. Today I visited South. I spent 4th period with Mrs. Wzontek, 5th with Mr. Galvin, 6th with Mr. Cool and Mr. Gadd, and 7th with a trombone lesson. I also saw Mr. Sugg, Mr. Monaco, and Mrs. J. Then I ran some errands with my mom, and hung out with Lianna this evening. It was really nice to catch up with her, and in true Lianna fashion, she made me delicious cookies. I'm one of her biggest fans, and you can quote me on that. Tomorrow I work and I think I'm getting together with Steve for some Mighty Taco. Yay Mighty!

Yesterday I deleted my Facebook. I'm annoyed with a lot of aspects of my life (no big problems, just a lot of little crap that I'm sick of), and I need to focus on fixing things between me and God, me and other people, and me and myself. I felt like deleting Facebook was a step in the right direction. I hope to be on AIM and Skype more. I also hope to get better about emailing and hanging out with people. I also hope to be better about posting on this blog, and when I say that, I mean I hope to post more often, and try to keep the posts to my interests and mostly my activities. Not often, but a few times, I'd go on one of my rants on this blog, sort of like I would on Facebook (which is another reason I deleted Facebook). I'd rather rant about music and animation and what I'm currently up to. I feel as though since I'm working on getting my emotions and thoughts sorted out, I should try to keep them to myself more. So that's that.

Sorry this ended up being so long. I have a bad habit on rambling about things that are interesting to me but probably not other people, but I'm trying to work on that. I'm trying to work on pretty much everything, lol. Then again, I haven't posted in almost a month, so I guess it evens out. And yeah, if you've got any suggestions for me to make this blog better, like shorter posts, less about animation, etc, definitely leave a comment and I'll work on that. I like doing this for you guys and I want you to like it too. I'll try to make this blog better and not get too deep on it. Just a nice blog to talk about music, cartoons, God, and my activities. Please pray for me as I try to work stuff out, and look for me on AIM, Skype, and this blog as I'm trying to be better about using all of them. God bless.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

In the Hands of God

The latest Newsboys CD, “In the Hands of God”, came out this past Tuesday, and I really like it. It’s not my favorite Newsboys album, but it’s definitely up there. My very first CD was “Step Up to the Microphone” by the Newsboys, and that was back in 2nd grade. I’ve followed them longer than any other band. From the time I started listening to them (1998) to 2003, band’s line-up never changed, but the past few years, it’s felt like a revolving door with people coming and going. “In the Hands of God” definitely reflects that, and it’s bittersweet. On one hand, long-time guitarist Jody Davis is back after a 6-year, 3-album absence. I always liked Jody, and I was never much of a fan of Paul Colman, his replacement on “Go”, so I was very glad that to hear Jody again on this album. On the other hand, this is the first album without bassist Phil Joel, and I missed him a lot. It felt really weird without him. Even more depressing is the fact that this is lead vocalist Peter Furler’s last album with the band. He’s been with the Newsboys from the beginning, and it’s really sad that he’s leaving. But he sounds great on this album. In fact, I think his voice sounds better here than on any other Newsboys album so far. He definitely ended his run with the Newsboys on a strong note. Now for the songs:

“The Way We Roll”: This was a great start to the album. I love how it started with just Jody (guitar) and then Duncan Phillips on drums. Right off the bat, it sounded just like classic Newsboys. It sounds a bit like “Giving It Over”, the opening track from 2002’s “Thrive”. The song itself is basically a recap of the band’s history starting from their earliest years. Peter even sings about their famous spinning drum kit. My only problem with the song is the fact that they’re using weird hip/ghettoish slang “that’s the way we roll”. It’s sort of out of place, because they’re, um, in their late 30s-early 40s. It’s just kind of weird to hear. At least it’s not as bad here as in “Wherever We Go”, where Peter sings “hands up, holler back here”. THAT was sorta fruity. All in all, “The Way We Roll” is a good song. Peter’s voice is perfect, especially in the middle of the song.

“No Grave”: This is one of my favorite songs on the album. It’s about God’s power over death. It has a much darker feel to it and reminds me of 3 Doors Down. Once again, Peter sounds great, but then again they all do. And here’s the weirdest thing: I swear to God that Phil Joel is singing on it. I’m not even kidding- I definitely hear him on the second verse. So maybe they got him back for a song. That would be cool.

“This is Your Life”: Jeff Frankenstein really shines on this one. Since Phil Joel left, he’s played synth bass as well as keyboard, and he’s great on both here. That’s the best thing about the song, really. The lyrics are ok, but not as creative or deep as I’ve heard the band get. Personally, I prefer Switchfoot’s song by the same name.

“Glorious”: This is the first “worship song” on the album. The lyrics are taken from Psalms, but I’m not sure where exactly. The crux of the song is about how even though we basically suck at life, God stays awesome, and how he knows us even though we can be fake or weak. It’s really comforting and gives me such a deep sense of how amazing God is and how not-amazing I am. It’s really cool. Definitely one of the best songs on the album.

“In the Hands of God”: This is the title song, and it’s really catchy. I mean, I’ve had it stuck in my head a lot this week. It constantly builds in terms of power and emotion, and I like that. Jody does great on backing vocals, and Peter yet again sounds fantastic as he sings the choruses and bridges. I’ve said it before, but vocally, this is Peter’s best album by a landslide.

“The Upside”: I’m not really able to put my finger on how it sounds. I read a review of the album that calls this song “circusy”, and I can sort of see that. I guess I’ll just compare it to other Newsboys songs. Between the strings and the funky rhythm, I’d say it’s sort of the love child of “Entertaining Angels” and “Secret Kingdom”. Peter double-tracks on the second chorus, and it’s really, really cool. I’m not too sure what the song is about, but it has something to do with optimism. I don’t dislike it.

“My Friend Jesus”: This is a wacky little story-song with a moral. Newsboys used to do this with songs like “Reality”, “Truth and Consequences”, and one of their greatest hits, “Breakfast”. But they didn’t do this on their last few albums. So I’m glad they went back to their “fun” side with this one. It’s about Peter Furler being put on hold when calling customer service about a crappy product. He then goes into things that annoy him, and raises the question of how wonderful the world would be if everybody (himself especially) talked, loved, and forgave like Jesus. It’s an interesting, funny song. By the way, Peter’s voice is still fantastic on it. Nice, slurred, Aussie accent when he sings “as my fist goes through the wall”.

“Lead Me to the Cross”: This is another worship song, and it’s also a cover. It’s originally done by Hillsong, and while I don’t like Hillsong for a lot of reasons, this song sounds great. Jeff is featured on a piano throughout the song, and they’ve even got chime-y church bells toward the end. Some might think it’s sort of cliché, but I like the bells.

“Dance”: I’ve probably listened to this song the least. It’s not terrible, but it’s not really my thing. It’s trance-ish, and the lyrics are about being active and doing stuff with your life. Oh, and how faith is good. Yeah. That’s about it, I guess. It’s not a bad song, but I’d rather listen to “No Grave”, “Glorious”, or…

“RSL 1984”: If I had to choose just ONE “favorite” song from this album, it would be this one. It starts out with just Peter and a guitar, but then they add strings and the whole band. It constantly builds on itself, even more so than “In the Hands of God”. The feel of the song’s lyrics and music is very peaceful, relaxed, and content with God and life. It’s all about Peter growing up in Australia. Ironically, the reason he’s leaving the band is so that he can enjoy time at home, and this song definitely explains the appeal of “surf in the sky and the sunshine coast of gold” (how cool is that- Peter combining the land, water, and sky into the same thing? I love that!). There’s Australian lingo such as “bovver boys”, “Mooloolaba”, “walkabout”, and “songline” that I really like, because it shows that after all these years of touring in America, Peter’s heart still longs for his homeland. After my semester in London, I can definitely relate. I also REALLY like the line “God is alive and my magic is no good”. I can’t think of any better assertion of God over man. This is one of my favorite Newsboys songs ever, and I can’t think of a better way for Peter Furler to go.

Overall, this was a great album. Not my favorite Newsboys album, but definitely in the top 3. And actually, now that I mention it, I don’t have a current “favorite” Newsboys album. So I guess this could be it. I don’t know, the point is, this is a great album that sounds MUCH more like classic Newsboys than “Go”. It’s a great blend of spirituality, wit, heaviness, and fun that made the Newsboys so great in the first place. You should get it if you haven’t already.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Home At Last

Hey guys. Sorry about that last post. I was just reallllly tired. But it's all good now. Every now and then I panic about some aspect of life in general, but those close to me are probably used to that. It's getting better though. I was just tired.

I'm finally home. I got back April 30th at a little before 11 PM. Emily is here until tomorrow afternoon, and we've had a great weekend. Yesterday we visited my grandparents and today we saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" (which was definitely worth it- good movie) and went to Amherst State Park. In a little over an hour, we're going to meet Christina and Hayden for ice cream.

I'm still going to keep this blog going throughout the summer, but I won't be posting nearly as much. And anyways, I won't really need to. After all, most of you live around me and will be seeing me and doing stuff with me, so you'll know what I'm up to without having to read about it online. But some of you are out of town, so yeah. This has been a great way to keep in touch with Jordan, so that's cool. Hi Jordan. You get special mention.

So yeah. Less blogging this summer. I might periodically come on to rant about music or movies or cartoons, or other random things that don't have anything to do with what I'm doing. But this is my blog so I can do that. By the way, the Newsboys' latest album comes out on Tuesday. Buy it; it's the last one with Peter Furler. :(

I have something awesome to announce that happened today, but I'm going to wait until I tell a certain someone in person first. But check back sometime next week for a special blog from me. I mean, it probably won't mean much to you, but it's really important to me.

My final grade for London was A-. Eat it.

I'll go back to more frequent, relevant, and substantial posts when I go back to Houghton this fall. See you then.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"And it all gets better when life is straight"

Holy fuck! I'm in a weird mood. I'm uncomfortable, jittery, wired. My mind is going 200 mph. Overdrive. "Herculean", The Good, the Bad, and the Queen.On the bus ride back to Glasgow, I listened to the soundtrack from Star Wars Episode III. It put me in a nice Star Wars mood, but the sky didn't cooperate. It's too pale and bright and grey. It can't make up its damn mind. And my memory didn't match. What the fuck am I doing in Walden Galleria? That's not what I was looking for!There's too much. Everything is too much, too big. I'm too big. Too many memories, too many people, too many skies, songs, cartoons. Places, books, video games, movies. Too many thoughts. It's too disorganized. There's no order to it. Looney Tunes is Pepe le Pew in a park and Bugs in a desert after school in 2nd grade and "Whoa Be Gone" in my house and everything else at Grandma's house which turns into Buffalo as I go to a doctor's appointment listening to Coldplay, which I always listen to in Penfield where Emily lives and Jordan lived, and we went to Findley together with Ashley Bens who I'd talk to on AIM until really early in the morning then I'd skip going to bed and listen to Audio Adrenaline while I do my paper route that used to be Joe Paul's and we were in the same first grade class. Gah! It's all too much. My mind is too full.I need to empty myself. I need to vomit up Emily, Christina, Jordan, and my family. I need to cry out movies and songs in my tears. I need to piss away Looney Tunes and shit out Forest, Mill, and South. I need to cut myself and bleed church, Findley, Star Wars, and the sky.Don't you see I can't handle all this? I don't know what to do. I can't hide in my childhood because it's gone, and that's good, but it's still there, clogging my mind like cholestrol. I can't move on, grow up, start over, because there's no room for a new life. My old life is hogging all the space. I can't make new memories without them colliding with the old.I'm scared to go home. Happy now? I'm so different. I won't fit in with my friends or family. My parents and the people at church will still think I'm a boy. Emily will want to do the same things we've always done, but I don't know what I'll want to do. I'll feel differently about life. Amherst and Forest won't feel the same. My bed will be different. Food will be off. And the sky will mess with my head. This is all too much. But I can't get rid of it because these are people I'm talking about! They matter to me. But they matter too much to me. I can't seperate myself from them. I don't have an identity other than them. And parts of this might sound dramatic or not like me, but that's the point! I'm writing to you guys because I don't really know how to write to myself. You guys are me, but now it'll all be different. Since I depend on you guys too much, I won't know what to do with myself when I come home and things are different. God, I'm in Scotland right now! And you didn't come with me! You didn't do London, either. So I had all this time away from you guys, and now I have to come back to you guys, and what then? What do I do? What do WE do? I changed so much since January, but you didn't change with me, so things are different between us. And since things are different between you guys and me, I won't know what that means.What the heck. I am so, so tired right now. I'm really sorry.

"And it all gets better when life is straight"

Holy fuck! I'm in a weird mood. I'm uncomfortable, jittery, wired. My mind is going 200 mph. Overdrive. "Herculean", The Good, the Bad, and the Queen.

On the bus ride back to Glasgow, I listened to the soundtrack from Star Wars Episode III. It put me in a nice Star Wars mood, but the sky didn't cooperate. It's too pale and bright and grey. It can't make up its damn mind. And my memory didn't match. What the fuck am I doing in Walden Galleria? That's not what I was looking for!

There's too much. Everything is too much, too big. I'm too big. Too many memories, too many people, too many skies, songs, cartoons. Places, books, video games, movies. Too many thoughts. It's too disorganized. There's no order to it. Looney Tunes is Pepe le Pew in a park and Bugs in a desert after school in 2nd grade and "Whoa Be Gone" in my house and everything else at Grandma's house which turns into Buffalo as I go to a doctor's appointment listening to Coldplay, which I always listen to in Penfield where Emily lives and Jordan lived, and we went to Findley together with Ashley Bens who I'd talk to on AIM until really early in the morning then I'd skip going to bed and listen to Audio Adrenaline while I do my paper route that used to be Joe Paul's and we were in the same first grade class. Gah! It's all too much. My mind is too full.

I need to empty myself. I need to vomit up Emily, Christina, Jordan, and my family. I need to cry out movies and songs in my tears. I need to piss away Looney Tunes and shit out Forest, Mill, and South. I need to cut myself and bleed church, Findley, Star Wars, and the sky.Don't you see I can't handle all this? I don't know what to do. I can't hide in my childhood because it's gone, and that's good, but it's still there, clogging my mind like cholestrol. I can't move on, grow up, start over, because there's no room for a new life. My old life is hogging all the space. I can't make new memories without them colliding with the old.

I'm scared to go home. Happy now? I'm so different. I won't fit in with my friends or family. My parents and the people at church will still think I'm a boy. Emily will want to do the same things we've always done, but I don't know what I'll want to do. I'll feel differently about life. Amherst and Forest won't feel the same. My bed will be different. Food will be off. And the sky will mess with my head. This is all too much. But I can't get rid of it because these are people I'm talking about! They matter to me. But they matter too much to me. I can't seperate myself from them. I don't have an identity other than them. And parts of this might sound dramatic or not like me, but that's the point! I'm writing to you guys because I don't really know how to write to myself. You guys are me, but now it'll all be different. Since I depend on you guys too much, I won't know what to do with myself when I come home and things are different. God, I'm in Scotland right now! And you didn't come with me! You didn't do London, either. So I had all this time away from you guys, and now I have to come back to you guys, and what then? What do I do? What do WE do? I changed so much since January, but you didn't change with me, so things are different between us. And since things are different between you guys and me, I won't know what that means.

What the heck. I am so, so tired right now. I'm really sorry.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Dirty Old Town

Hey guys!

Right now, I'm at our hostel in Dublin. It turns out we have internet after all. It's really slow and not all the sites work, but I can email home, which is nice. And I can post! We got in yesterday afternoon (we being me, Adam, Tabitha, Mary Beth, and her cousin Jess). The flight was really nice. We flew over beautiful mountains and hills. After landing at Gatwick, we took a bus to Dublin. We wandered around looking for our hostel, and finally found it. We got our room situated and went out for a walk. All the pubs were either overpriced or stopped serving food by the time we were out, so we went to Burger King. After that, we came back to the hostel and went to bed.

Today we checked out the city. I already like it better than London. Everything is more open, giving the city a less claustrophobic feel than London. The buildings are older looking too. There are more bars than I've ever seen in my life. It's nuts! We walked past a restaurant that U2 had eaten at. That was cool. I wish we'd stopped there. Oh well. Since arriving in Ireland, all but two of the songs I've listened to have been by U2. I'm trying to cover all their albums before we to go Scotland. Not EVERY song on every album, but a few songs from each album. So far I've hit Achtung Baby, The Joshua Tree, No Line on the Horizon, October, Rattle and Hum, War, and Zooropa.

There are a lot of book stores too. I got a 1960s copy of Ian Fleming's "Thunderball" for €2. It was my first 007 book, so that's cool. I've been eyeing a bodhrán too, but I have no clue how I'd get it back to America in one piece. The only thing I could think of is if I had it with me in my backpack on the flight from London to Newark. I might risk it though. Bodhráns are awesome.

We explored the southern part of Dublin today. We went to the National Gallery of Dublin, which wasn't NEARLY as cool as the London National Gallery, but it did have a portrait of Bono, which was pretty sweet. Then we checked out Dublin Castle which reminded me a lot of Hampton Court Palace, only again - not as cool. Then we went to St. Stephen's Green, a decent-sized park. THAT was cool. Parts of it reminded me of Amherst State Park. There were some ponds and a big courtyard with flowers and fountains. We relaxed there for a while. Some of us slept, some of us read. I started "Thunderball". It's pretty good. It's weird to be reading about James Bond for a change. I'll have to rewatch the movie when I come home.

For dinner, we went to a bar called Brannigan's, or something like that. It was really cool. Tab and I split a lamb and potato stew. It was really, really good. It was fun to be sitting in an Irish bar eating Irish food. The five of us split an order of chips as well. It was really filling, but I'm getting hungry again.

After dinner, we came back to the hostel. Then I went back out for a walk with my iPod. I didn't go very far- obviously I don't know Dublin half as well as I know London. I just stuck to the street our hostel was on and went down two streets off of it. One street was called Railway Street, and I had to go down it. But I didn't see any tracks or stations. Just a group sketchy teenagers doing their thing.

Tomorrow morning, the five of us are taking a bus to Kilkenny. If you've ever watched South Park, you should be smiling right about now. We're going to see Kilkenny Castle, which was built in the 12th century, I think. Either way, it's mad old and should be cool. We're planning to spend the night there and return to Dublin the next day. We're also hoping to see the Cliffs of Moher on the 24th, so keep your fingers crossed on that one.

It's really weird to be making all these plans by ourselves. First off, it's just weird to be done with the FYHP and actually have time to kill and stuff to do that isn't assigned. But more than that, it's strange because it's very "adult", and none of us have done anything like it before. But we're getting the hang of it, I think.

That's about it for now. Overall, I'm having a really fun time in Ireland. It's sort of stressful to have to plan everything, but we're planning fun things, so it's all good. Dublin is an awesome city, and if Glasgow is half as cool, I'll be happy. And soon I'll be home with my family and friends, and I can't wait.

I'm going to go back to the room now. I love you guys!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Off to Ireland

Well, that's it. It's 3:40 AM on April 20th, so the program is officially over. I'm going to be going to Ireland and Scotland with Tabitha, Mary Beth, her cousin, and Adam until the 30th, but then I'll be home. I'm all packed for home, but I'm worried that my bags will be too heavy to be checked at the airport. I may need to get rid of some stuff before I go. We'll see.

I'm just taking a backpack to Ireland and Scotland. I'm bringing one pair of jeans, 4 shirts, 3 pairs of socks, and underwear for every other day. I'm bringing my iPod, my camera (with both memory cards), my journal, my Ireland book, and a deck of cards. That's about it. Below are my travel plans. We're going to make up Scotland as we go along. That'll be fun. So I'm gonna go to bed now, and I'll talk to you guys later!

Monday April 20th

Leaving HC at 12:00 pm

Flight: London to Dublin
departs LGW at 5:30 pm

arrives DUB at 6:45 pm

Staying at Abraham House
Tuesday April 21st

Again staying at Abraham House and seeing Dublin

Wednesday April 22nd
possibly going to Kilkenney (castle)
Hostel in Kilkenney – Macgabhainns Backpackers Hostel


Thursday April 23rd
We’ll see

Friday April 24th

Tentatively staying at Abraham house again, so back in Dublin by evening

Saturday April 25th

Flight: Dublin to Glasgow

DUB 7:50 am

arrives PIK 8:40 am

Staying at Bunkum Hostel in Glasgow – 26 Hillhead Street phone number: 0141 581 4481

Sunday April 26th

Staying at Bunkum Hostel again – day trip to the capital or the coast?

Monday April 27th

?

Tuesday April 28th

?

Wednesday April 29th

?

Flight: Glasgow to London
Departs Glasgow at 2:40 PM
Arrives London at 3:55 PM

Thursday April 30th

Flight: London to Newark
Departs London at 3:45 PM
Arrives Newark at 6:25 PM

Flight: Newark to Buffalo
Departs Newark at 9:15 PM
Arrives Buffalo at 10:53 PM